SONG RELEASE STORY
May 31, 2024
Transformation / Death is the second written, twenty-second released song for The Music Tarot. I drew the card and wrote the song over a weekend in July 2019. Back then, everything was so vibrant and new - I was writing songs again! It was just a start, and I didn't know if it would last. My songwriting had always come in waves, and lacked direction. The Music Tarot was my first attempt at a specific subject matter, and I was unsure if I could write this way.
I set up my room the same way I had done weeks earlier, when I had written the first song. I lit my candles and incense and sat on the floor in the middle of the room. I shuffled my tarot deck and spread the cards, fan-style in front of me, like a blackjack dealer. And then I pulled Death.
I was instantly intimidated by the card and wondered if I were up for writing what I hoped would become a very impactful song. After all, death is a universal part of life. I wanted to do it justice. I was no stranger to comforting the grieving through songwriting. This would be my fifth song about this subject matter, having previously written four songs in memory of those who had passed: Clay (1998, for Clay), 20-Year Angel (2004, for Luke), Mother's Prayer (2007, for Bernadette), and This Sweet Life (2021, for Kirby).
Fortunately, my spirit guides stepped in and took over quickly, in an effort to help me out. The lyrics and melody were like invisible roses, blooming all around me. I just had to reach out and pluck them from the ethers, and into my consciousness. There it was, my second tarot song. A song I would be able to use to provide compassion and hope to those experiencing loss and change. For its release, I choose to acknowledge someone who has walked a path similar to mine, someone who is nearing the gate to a whole different place now.
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What did writing Death mean to me? I determined it meant I was supposed to let go of my preconceived notions of what being a "real artist" was. I needed to heal from the fractures of my past. To let go of the traumas I had suffered while trying to make a career out of music. Music is meant to inspire and elevate, not burden and suffocate. I had pushed so hard for most of my life to "make it" as an artist - to earn a gainful income and reach fans. But all it did was make me bitter and it ruined my plans.
Letting music back into my life to create The Music Tarot came with great risk. I knew there would always be a part of me who would not let go of my desire to become a career artist. I also knew I had a fragile ego and very low self-worth. Criticism or crickets would equally hurt me. And fame was something I both wanted to experience and loathed. I value my privacy and I fear the haters. But I also knew that I didn't want to regret never having tried.
Transformation / Death was produced in winter and spring 2024, and signifies entering a new phase in my life. I went through the darkness of breast cancer in 2022, and came out a different person. Since then, my vision for The Music Tarot has changed. I no longer have faith that I will live long enough to see this thing through. This bites at my motivation.
So I asked myself again, what does producing and releasing Death mean to me? This time it means I must let go of my rigidity. I must learn to go with the flow, and simplify my thought process. I have become so panicked with fear, that I have been strangling the living daylights out of The Music Tarot. I have been using every spare minute of every single day to power the machine. I'm losing my creativity and I'm starting to resent things.
I want these songs to exist from a place of inspiration and delight. I want to be one of the first indie artists to create a complete, 78-song, musical tarot deck. But I can't produce the collection if I stifle my spirit along the way. I must let go of control, at least a little bit. It feels like everything is changing. My entire way of being has always been very well organized - every scenario and contingency-plan carefully mapped out. But post-cancer, I don't see the point anymore. You just end up where you are meant to end up. So I am trying to let go of my expectations and live more in the moment. All I want is a little peace and serenity, before I am meant to leave.