The Nine of Swords represents the demons that get you in the middle of the night, hijacking your mind with anxiety and fears. This is a card of insomnia and overthinking. It may also represent night terrors or recurring issues for which to seek help.
THE CUT OF DEPRESSION
SONG RELEASE STORY
September 13, 2024
When attempting to write a collection of songs about life, I recognize they can't all be happy ones. That's not how life works. The time has come for one of the darker tracks to see the light of release.
Sometimes emotions get stuck, blocking critical pathways to love, peace and serenity. Thoughts of worry, grief, and dread take over. They may be quieted during the day, blocked by work and chores. But they always come back at night. You can count your worries, add them up, but what will that matter? It only makes you sadder.
I have always known insomnia and nightmares. Little beasts in the sheets, waiting, lurking under the bed, crawling under the covers, waiting to torture me and keep me awake.
In 2011, I was inspired to write a song about clinical depression. At the time I was working with a small band - myself, drummer Charles Goodwin, and Bassist J. My bassist had openly shared about his struggles with depression over the years. It was a subject I could relate to because I went through a similar dark period in my twenties. Even though I had come out of it by the time I was thirty, I never could quite shake the fear of it returning. Feeling depressed was such a negative state of being. I don't even think of it as a feeling. It's more of a nothing. I felt nothing.
With Bassist J's story on my mind, "Ribbons of Cold" came through. I dedicated it to him. The song was recorded, produced, and released for a limited time in Fall 2013. But then I quit doing music for a while.
As the story goes, years later I discovered my calling was to write songs inspired by tarot cards and I formed The Music Tarot. After re-examining some of my earlier works, I discovered "Ribbons of Cold" was not just a song about experiencing depression. It was meant for the Nine of Swords. My producer updated the arrangement, while I reworked the lyrics. New music and vocals were recorded, and the track became fuller, deeper, and more relatable.
For its re-birth, Razor and Stone / Nine of Swords gathered inspiration from my own life. The monsters I feared so much had returned in my mid-forties, and once again, I was surrounded by nothingness. But unlike my twenties, this time around, I had better resources, stronger self-advocacy, and a loving husband to keep me afloat. It wasn't easy, and I'm not sure I'm totally out of the woods yet, but I'm still here, and I'm still fighting my way to some sort of serenity.
Today I release the 24th track in my opus collection. I have known the cut of depression. I have felt it blacken the beauty and sneer with disgust. I have seen happiness become so foreign, it burns. A cycle of anxiety repeats and triggers insomnia. This track illuminates those who may find themselves in this place of fitful dreams and troubled thoughts.