The Three of Swords represents the ache of grief you feel when your heart's been pierced by hurtful words or actions. Recognize that people's emotions flow like water. Over time, the bad blood is cleansed and you will be healed.
BAD BLOOD
SONG RELEASE STORY
April 18, 2025
I've been handwriting in journals since I was seven years old. My young mind always appreciated words. I distinctly remember learning calligraphy and cursive when I was in third grade. My penmanship often drew attention. "You write so well!" friends would exclaim. I was interested in both the words and how they looked. I apply that same concept to my song lyrics, looking for the most poignant way to position them within their instrumental canvas.
I drew the Three of Swords in the middle of March 2024, and the song idea quickly found me. But there was something wrong with the lyrics. They didn't grab my producer when I played the song for him. I needed to reach for something more, but what?
In the tarot, the Three of Swords represents a relationship that has gone bad. Your heart's been pierced by another. Someone in your life has done you harm. I chose to relate the song to my story of uncovering and recovering from childhood trauma.
I was largely unaware of the true nature of my trauma until I got breast cancer in my early forties. My reaction was odd. I didn't have a desire to fight for my life. I wanted to let the cancer win. With the help of multiple mental health therapists, I finally discovered that I suffered from complex PTSD, formed out of childhood emotional neglect. My parents had never learned the language of emotion, so I was starved of affection, understanding, and acceptance. I grew to hate myself, feeling I was to blame for their lack of concern for my emotional well-being. As an adult, I had no interest in saving my life; I saw myself as a nuisance. I was glad to see it end.
But my husband’s grief over my diagnosis was enough to convince me that I had to try and resolve my inner demons. I had to learn to take care of myself and my future.
Water Cleans the Blood / Three of Swords became a healing vessel for me to do just that. I chose explicit lyrics. Out of respect, I considered keeping what happened between me and my parents a secret. But for once, I chose me. Not them. I deserved better. I should not have lived a life of shame and fear, always trying to get them to love me, and always coming up short. Not once did I ever hear my mom say the words, "I love you."
In the song, the first verse refers to my reaction to a phone call with my parents. I called them to ask them to take responsibility for the neglect and go to family therapy with me. They responded by saying they had moved on and were at peace with no longer having me in their lives. Then, they promptly hung up on me. I felt stabbed in the heart, even then, after I had learned we never had a real bond in the first place. My childhood had been an act. A parent who does not learn the language of love and connection cannot teach it to their child. Their connection to the child disappears.
One day, I went to Lake Monona. There, I threw my proverbial laundry in the water. I washed those years of rusty bloodstains from my clothing. Then I walked home. I opened all the windows in my house and let a soft breeze pass over me. I stepped into the shower and let the water run over my body, a body that looks different now, because of the cancer surgery. I watched my shame swirl down the drain.
I'm a different person now. Yes, I am an orphan, but that doesn't mean I'm not a daughter. I have surrogate mothers. My mother-in law is the best example of unconditional love that I know. I still have someone who I can call “my mom."
I used my pain to write a song of cleansing and release. Going to the water, I figured out how to create a canoe and sail away from the spear. From a love that never was love, I released the shame of toxic trust. Now I am free.