![](http://d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/589923/1a8eb8b0dfeb2412bc642ab0ea48341ff6572738/original/blog-15-surgical-pathology.jpg/!!/meta:eyJzcmNCdWNrZXQiOiJiemdsZmlsZXMifQ==/b:W1sic2l6ZSIsIm1lZGl1bSJdXQ==.jpg)
Thursday, April 21, 2022. Another New Test Results email arrived. I knew it was the surgical pathology results, but I refused to look at them. I was too afraid. I wanted Surgical-Oncologist-Doctor L to call and discuss them with me, so Miah and I would have an immediate expert in case we had questions. I wasn’t sure how long we’d have to wait, so I proactively logged into my healthcare app and typed up a message.
Subject: Can someone call to go through my surgical pathology results?
Message: Hi, I just got a message that my surgical pathology results are available here in the app. I have decided not to read them early because they are sometimes hard to interpret, and I don't want to get confused and scared by something I read and may not be able to understand accurately.
I am wondering if someone has time to call me back today and go through the results with me? Thank you so much! My husband and I have been anxiously waiting for what we hope is good news.
Mid-afternoon, my phone rang. I answered and it was Surgical-Oncologist-Doctor L. Miah was in his office working, so I knocked on the door and went in to interrupt him as I put the phone on speaker. Surgical-Oncologist-Doctor L started launching into things that made me think she assumed I had already read the results. “Wait a second,” I said. “I didn’t read anything yet. Can you tell me if the results are good news?”
“Oh, yeah. It’s good,” she said. She sounded somewhat distracted as she explained the findings. She asked me to hang on as she re-reviewed the notes. There were a lot of findings.
- My lymph nodes were negative for cancer. No regional lymph node metastasis identified.
-
The cancerous area in my right breast, was not one, but four separate tumors, of two different types of cancer.
- Individual foci with invasive ductal carcinoma: 6 mm, 3 mm
- Individual foci with invasive lobular carcinoma: 3 mm, 2 mm
- Ductal Carcinoma In Situ was also present in my right breast.
-
Additional findings (I don’t understand most of these, all I know is that some of them indicate abnormalities/pre-cancer):
- Right breast: intraductal papilloma, pseudoangiomatous stromal hyperplasia, columnar cell changes, fibroadenoma and fibroadenomatoid changes, apocrine cysts, microcysts
- Left breast: breast parenchyma with atypical ductal hyperplasia, atypical lobular hyperplasia, columnar cell changes, usual ductal hyperplasia, apocrine metaplasia and microcysts
- The submammary mastectomy margin was negative for cancer. The distance between carcinoma and deep margin was more than 5 mm.
There was a whole mess of tissue changes in both my right and left breasts. If I had opted for the lumpectomy and radiation, it would have only been a matter of time before I would be needing more biopsies and surgeries. Plus, it’s very possible one of those abnormalities could have turned into a more substantial tumor before I was re-screened. My goal all along had been to reduce the need for additional procedures and treatment. I had succeeded.
I had made the right decision in getting the bilateral mastectomy.
Since there was no cancer in my lymph nodes, radiation was out of the picture. I asked Surgical-Oncologist-Doctor L about the need for chemotherapy. In my head I was adding up the total sizes of the four tumors combined. Surgical-Oncologist-Doctor L explained they don’t measure it that way. The treatment is based off the largest tumor, which in my case was 6 mm. She didn’t think there was a need for additional analysis of the tumor. (There is a test that analyzes a sample of the cancer tumor to see the activity of certain genes that can affect the cancer's outcome and how likely it is to grow and spread. The test gives a score used to determine whether you need chemotherapy to prevent recurrence. Surgical-Oncologist-Doctor L later checked with a medical oncologist who confirmed the size and characteristics of my tumor did not meet eligibility requirements for the test. This ruled out the need for chemotherapy.)
As I hung up the phone with Surgical-Oncologist-Doctor L, Miah and I did several rounds of high-fiving and gentle hugging. His breath slowly exhaled in a shaky pattern because he was buzzing with relief. Suddenly, I had a strong desire to share my story and write this blog. My next song, Unstoppable / Nine of Wands was going to be released on April 29. I determined I could write the story over the next few days and release the blog with the song. I immediately got to work. I even felt brave enough to ask Miah to take my picture so I could reveal not only my words, but also what I looked like. Below is the only image taken of me during my post-surgery period. I am seen wearing one of my new Johnny Was scarves, compression binder, and my right surgical drain is still in place.
![](http://d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/589923/66dd1ba9b98a394f0b76cd23160c3b6e6ab5cee9/original/lorie-10-days-post-surgery.jpg/!!/meta:eyJzcmNCdWNrZXQiOiJiemdsZmlsZXMifQ==/b:W1sic2l6ZSIsImxhcmdlIl1d.jpg)
Thursday, April 28, 2022. It had been a difficult week. At the beginning, I was full of excitement, creativity, and energy. My right surgical drain was able to be removed on Tuesday, April 26, the same day I got my stitches out. I also developed a seroma (fluid collection) on my left side, which had to be drained. I probably shouldn't have been so adamant about getting the left drain removed so quickly. Even so, I was feeling great. At my last appointment with her, Surgical-Oncologist-Doctor L remarked that watching me go through my transformation from nearly refusing to fully embracing treatment was, "kinda neat."
I continued writing the blog up through Post #6. But then, my insecurities and fears began to creep in. When I decide to do something, I fully commit. If I need to change course, I find it very difficult. I realized there was no way I could write my entire cancer story to share along with the release of Unstoppable / Nine of Wands. So instead, I shared what Miah and I had been going through in the song’s News Release Story, as a way of explaining what being unstoppable means to me.
I lost steam in writing because I felt insecure about being so vulnerable and sharing something so personal. I also didn’t love the idea of cancer hanging out on my website. I wanted to share my experience, yet I didn’t want to have a cancer blog. The energy of cancer is low and doesn’t fit with my art.
My producer Brian and I discussed my health issues and the best way to contextualize my story. He helped me see my journey is larger than cancer - it has more universality and ties with my music. Yes, this year, I dealt with cancer, but in the long run, my story is that of a personal spiritual journey of healing and enlightenment. And it’s far from over.
I decided to change the name of this blog to one that best describes my journey - My Healing Journey - because that is what I keep trying to do, over and over. I have fallen into darkness again and again, with my physical and mental health, my insecurities, self-doubt, and feelings of unworthiness. But I love making music so much. It is my healing light. I keep getting back up and feeling my way through the dark, reaching for the switch to illuminate my dreams.
I am getting there.
Sometimes the light is so strong it’s blinding. It completely blocks out my pain and suffering and apprehension. That’s where the songs are. I’m bathed in a healing glow of confidence and fulfillment. Other times, the light is diminished, and low vibration dulls my spark. It knocks me down in heavy hurt. Ultimately, it isn’t about finding the light and staying there. It’s about balancing the darkness with the light. Being an artist sometimes feels like a curse, and other times feels like a blessing. Having a chronic illness sometimes feels like a death wish, and other times feels like a gift. My struggles and triumphs are the way I create my songs. I need the light. But I also need the dark.
So I put the blog on hold and in the meantime didn’t keep my health issues secret anymore. I posted on my social media, not in a “shout from the rooftops, everybody better pay attention to Lorie” kind of way, but rather “this is what’s been happening for those who are curious.”
I didn’t know when or if I would finish the blog. I decided not to pressure myself with a deadline. I still had a long way to go with my physical recovery. I wanted to get back to full time work for my employer. I wanted to get back to swimming three times a week. I wanted to write more songs. In time I would figure it out. For now, I was at peace with my compromise.
![](http://d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/589923/1a8eb8b0dfeb2412bc642ab0ea48341ff6572738/original/blog-15-surgical-pathology.jpg/!!/meta:eyJzcmNCdWNrZXQiOiJiemdsZmlsZXMifQ==/b:W1sic2l6ZSIsInNtYWxsIl1d.jpg)
End of 16 - Surgical Pathology